HELLO!

WOW, I havent updated this thing in aaages. Just dropped by to say hello. There will be an actual update about everything thats been going on shortly!

:O

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYV1aBDH7cA&feature=related

Sad.

I miss her.

Every time we talk, I feel like she is the only one who really knows. Knows me. Knows how I really am. She doesn't judge, she doesnt criticize.

We just fit. Shes knows I'll love her no matter what. I know she'll love me regardless aswell.

She's always mentioning how much she misses me, and how bad she wants everything back to how it was.

As if its not torture enough that we're so far away from one another.

She was the one who had my heart since the beginning. I guess I was just too dense to realize it.

I screwed it up so bad, yet she's there. Still. Seemingly,Waiting for me. But I don't want her to wait..She could find someone. What is she waiting for?Even if its not me, what is it?

I'm waiting for her. I know it.

In some ways it makes sense why I've never really jumped into another relationship, even though I've had the chance.

Nobody will ever compare. I miss her so bad and I dont know how to tell her.

If I had the guts I would call her and tell her how much she means to me. That now, I dont give a fuck about the age gap. I never cared. Everyone else cared.4 years and some odd months.. Come on! thats nothing. If I can wait this long, I'll wait even longer. As long as it takes.

Nothing compares.

Coffee + Sunrise = Perfect.

No sleep again last night.
Sheesh, I really need to fix my sleeping pattern.
I tried,and tried,and tried some more. I literally layed there for hours. NOTHING.
Oh well, I suppose its nice to be up before 7.
Beautiful sunrise, birds coming out to greet the new day, snow glistening with the first appearance of the days sunlight.
I suppose I can survive off of a little coffee boost for a bit, until I inevitably fall asleep on the couch later.
The only thing that ruins that image of said above is our half-broken fence from all of the storms we've gotten this past winter. And our half dead tree that was pulverized by the storms as well.
I'm guessing that I'll be helping alot with the renovations. The list is ever-growing.

Spring is the absolute best time of year. No more snow, no more sad trees with no leaves to blow around, no more gross brown grass. Sadly, our spring hasn't quite come yet. It's pretty odd, usually by this time we don't get any more snow storms. I suppose that weather is always changing, its truly unpredictable.

My aunt Nanette called last night, with a friendly invite to her place and also bad news. My aunt Phyllis is in the hospital, and all I know so far is she is Anemic and she had to get a blood transfusion. She has lost over 40 pounds, and she wasn't a huge lady to start with. This weekend I plan on going to see her. My mother though, I'm not so sure will even bother. She's got this weird thing that she wont visit someone in the hospital. Last person she ever visited was my grandfather..about 5 years ago. I think part of it had to do with him losing his memory, and not remembering mom every time she went in to visit.

Word also got through my family that I am going through some tough times and that I quit my job. Wow, word travels fast in the family! ( my aunt Karen called last week and asked how I was.. I'm guessing that's how the grapevine started.)
Even so, I'm glad that they are concerned. I told Nanette not to worry, that things are slowly coming together for me. Even though I felt like what I was saying was somewhat deceiving, I truly am trying my best. School is my No.1 concern right now.

That's all for now!

Who am I kidding?

Everyone seemed so happy. Everything seemed so right.


I need more days like these.

Where friends are around every corner,
and nobody gives a shit about anything but the moment.

Just a week later today, I feel completely different. I feel so blah. Life is so weird. One day you can feel invincible, and the next invisible.

Weird Dream #2.

Last night, I had probably one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had.

I was with all of my friends. They would show up at random times throughout the dream
the only person that went through the whole dream with me was Alex.

The dream felt so real... mostly because in the dream it was pouring outside.
It felt so amazing though, and me and Alex were just doing what we were there to do in the first place..

The setting was in the desert. yet it was raining, and the rain was just ridiculously heavy.
you would think that we would run for cover, but no, everyone just kept on running through this course. ( It seemed like it was an unlimited amount of staircases, and for some reason we would sometimes jump onto the rails and slide down them.) some went down, some went up.

we got to this point that the staircases stopped and there was a road, and a place to eat.
Suddenly, there was lightning. or..something like lightning. The rain stopped instantly.There was thunder and lightning at the exact same time. I can still clearly picture it in my head..it was unbelievable. it lasted for about 30 seconds and then ( this is the part i still don't understand) the lightning stopped, or whatever it was, and then about 10 UFOs came out of nowhere. A hologram of some of the people inside of them showed up in the sky.. the colours that showed up were unbelievable.Blue's, Pink's..almost as if a rainbow, that wasn't formed, showed up out of nowhere.There was a group of a good 50 people, all looking up watching. It was night time. A human face showed up.I only heard "do not be afraid, we have come to.." and then I blacked out. Last thing I remember is Kate ( friend from high school) catch me before I fell. I woke up with her holding my hand, and everyone just went along doing the same thing we were doing before that happened. The staircases. Only It was day time again. Eventually Alex and I got through all of these staircases, and instead of doing that, we were trying to get over booby-trapped planks of wood, big hills of mud, several random things that made it hard to get across. There were litters of kittens and puppies at random places.. after this point I don't really remember much.

Much of this dream I don't understand. It switches from one thing to another. Why are my family and friends all going through the desert, through a course? why did it switch from day to night? why was there pouring rain, then no rain at all, then a crazy lighting looking bolt in the sky, and then "alien" contact? why did I pass out, and then we were back doing the course again? kittens and puppies? Hmm.

I have decided that my dreams should be blogged about, since my dreams are pretty much the most interesting thing of my day. All dreams have some meaning behind them, but the only problem is i have no clue how to analyze them. So I'll just write them down.

Several things happened in the dreams I had last night.
First of all, I think the reason why my dreams were so random is because of the videos I watched last night. I'm actually trying to learn how to meditate now, and the videos teach you, but the person talking also goes into several other subjects, and in depth. Almost enough to scare a person, but i listened to all 18 parts and it honestly didn't scare me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7l0cJL7e4w

Also, if you do have an interest in this, which i believe everyone should, David Wilcock has some great stuff on YouTube. You don't have to believe everything you hear, but give it a chance.
12 is supposedly a very important number.

Last night, i had a really hard time getting to sleep. I didn't get to sleep until about 5. So when I woke up at 12:12, I was a little bit freaked out.

In order to understand why I watched these videos, you would have to understand my friends' father. He has opened up my eyes, In a sense, to the world around us.
I have always considered myself spiritual, but have never figured out how to meditate. Supposedly dreams are a form of this, and now looking back at the dreams I had, It makes sense.

The first dream I had, I was in the woods. I feel like this was the setting because nature is actually the best place for meditation. Your better off sitting next to a tree and meditating than you are sitting on your bed.

I don't quite remember who was with me, but I know there were two people. One Male, one Female. We ran for quite a while, but after this I don't remember much. I'm trying to think of what happened and I'm just drawing a blank. The dream completely changed into a more familiar scene. I was with every single person I was friends with in High school. They each had different sweaters on for different Colleges and Universities, but whoever didn't make it to college yet just had normal clothes on. We were in what seemed to be a waiting room. But what didn't make sense about this was all of my friends went to different schools. Why were we in one singular waiting room for different schools? my guess is that it wasn't a waiting room for School. It was a waiting room for something entirely different.

I'm thinking the reason why my dreams went from one thing to another is because of the Male and Female that were in the woods with me. Possibly, I was put into another state of mind?

That's all I have for now. When another dream occurs I'll be right back here blogging.

Am I Crazy? Wait..Dont Answer That.

I had a dream last night that I was eating a bagel..in bed. that may not seem so strange but for me, it felt so real, that when I woke up I was actually wondering if I really did that.
I hate this kind, the kind of dream that feels like reality. 100%!
this wasnt the only dream i had. I had the same dream that I've been having for close to two years now. In this dream, I can't screw up. If I screw up, I end up back at the beginning. Its like a huge maze..its so confusing!
Eventually I get to the end, and at the end I have to use a ladder to get out of a tiny window.
This time in the dream, I was carrying around a laptop..but it wasnt a normal one. It was state of the art, really cool and rigged up with the best technology.
3 men came into the same room I was trying to get out of, and they were after me for some reason.
I ditched the laptop and left it behind, then woke up....
Im wondering whats going to happen next with this dream? maybe I'll never have it again. Or maybe I have to start all over again. last time I had this dream was probably around two months ago, so its not like its an every night thing. But when I do have it, I know exactly where I am, and know exactly what i have to do.. yet ive never in my life actually been at this place.I have to get through the little window with everything I brought with me.
This dream really makes no sense to me!

I call this one "The Return".

This week has been a long and frustrating one. I've tried seeing what it is that is making me so isolated from what I'm normally like. I find burying myself in books has been helping lately. My ordinary ways of working, coming home, sleeping, all to do it over again, has changed. I know it will only be for a short time, but its made me realize that I'm not completely gone. I'm still the same peppy girl, with a world of thoughts, sometimes that I become lost in. This mind would be a waste if i didn't travel. If I didn't get on that plane, and the first time in my life, alone, and see something that nobody else in my bloodline has seen. It would also be a waste if I revolved my whole life around work. Sometimes its okay to plurge into the life of a dreamer. It has crossed my mind that maybe, If I decided to stick with it, I could be an author. I never really considered it before, but with my mind always running wild, maybe its the best thing i can do with myself? I know I have an undying love for music, but I don't think it stops there. I think I have a love for art, as a whole. for writing, for singing, for musical instruments, for painting. Im just one of those types of people who loves to get lost into creating art. This is where my hostility towards this idea comes into play: Why do i keep changing my mind? I want to do one thing, I want to do another. I wish the world didn't revolve around one straight career for every person. In some ways, I like hearing about the Old World. Things were much more simple, mind you I dont much agree with how some things were handled. I think plenty of people can agree to that. We have learned from our mistakes, but whos to say that we are doing it right, now? Imagine all of the people who become a burden to themselves because they are lost in their jobs. All that becomes important is that paycheck. Your life becomes dull, each day rolls into the other, and you find yourself weary of your life. Some are lucky enough to say that they love their job. Most are struck with the thoughts, day and day again, that they want something more than the life that they are living. Life becomes dull, when its the same thing over and over. I consider myself one of these people. I need adventure, I need to be on the tips of my toes, I need the adrenaline rush. Why? I could ask whoever reads this the same thing. Why do you do what you do? Whatever makes you happy, whatever makes your heart beat. Why do you do it? Is it to feel complete? For most people, it is. That's why you hear of people you've never heard of before, With a New York Times bestseller. That's why everyone has heard of Leonardo da Vinci. Indulging in something they truly love, something they truly appreciate. No matter what it is that someone has told them, judged them about, the artists seem to be like a needle in a haystack.. so hard to find, yet so amazing. I am an Artist, And the World is my canvas.

Asking.

I am now an Unemployed 21 yr. old, looking for an education and a part time job.
My Colitis flared up, again.

At the worst possible time, while im trying to get everything together. I wish i was 100% healthy, but dont we all? I wish i could make it go away so i dont have to worry about it, so its not a burden on my life and so that I dont have to worry about flare-ups all of the time.

Although, I could be that person stuck in a hospital bed for the rest of my life, dieing of some kind of cancer, wishing their life away, with no possible way for their dreams to come true.

My list is growing longer and longer each day, with some things I shouldve accomplished a couple years ago, but didnt. I wish that depression didnt exhist, that sickness and death was impossible. To find that one person, who would give me space but at the same time love me unconditionally. If I were to enter a relationship in the next few years, im sure I would ruin it all. I dont want to be this way, but its me. I get so lonely, and all i can do is think about it. Running what happened through my head, again and again. But this was the way we were built, we are all flawed in some way.

Drugs, Alcohol, Suicide.
Ways out.
and now that I dont do those things, my thoughts drive me crazy. I want to be a level-headed person. With no worries, with their future set up, all from a wealthy family.
My family is not wealthy. Far from it..
Im doing this all by myself now. My money, My blood, tears, and sweat.
Work for a minimum wage job, and a horrible manager, and all they can really do is manage their smoke breaks. you'd want a way out, too, right? So i took it, on my Birthday. I passed my notice in, the day i turned 21.
Yesterday all that my manager could manage was a glance at me, at the end of the day, and a pitiful "bye."
No kind words, no good luck or we'll miss you.
bye.

I think way too much into things. Always wondering if im the only person who does it.
Afraid of my parents seeing me as a failure. I already know i feel like it. I feel that my brother sees me as a failure.
I dont get out enough, im a homebody lately, and its starting to take its toll.
I hate this, this me, whoever i am. Whatever I've become.
Obviously ive done something wrong...i can think of plenty of things ive done wrong. When i try to be as nice as possible, it comes back and kicks me in the ass. My father tells me that im silent too much. That he misses Sarah. It tears me apart inside. Mom eats alot now. And they both drink on any day off...to the point that i hate to be around.

Im tired. Too tired to want to go on. I need to be happy, but im not. Not one bit.
I dont know anyone as lonely as myself. But then again, nobody talks to me about the personal things,like they used to. My best friend barely talks to me.. I dont see any girls looking my way.
Whats the sense of all of this? my life feels like a living hell, and as hard as I try to see peoples lives that are worse than mine, i cant help but feel pitiful. Nobody wants to help, and I really think that this time, I need it. I do. Call me selfish, but I really cant think of any other way out of all of these problems. help is all I ask for. Is that too much to ask?

January 8th, 1988.

3 Days..
wow.
In three days, I am considered a full grown-up.21. or, in Canada anyways.
Regardless, i'm still a proud owner of the "young-adult" label.
how many years until your not a "young adult"? how many years do i have left for that?

I'm growing tired of people expecting more and more from me, because it just puts pressure on me to want to change who I really am.
I realize lately that i'm a pessimist. Every conversation i'm included in either includes some kind of apocalypse or depression or how much my friends hate their jobs.
DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR JOBS, IT IS DEPRESSING. Unless you like it, then go ahead.
I'm tired of hearing "waah waah waah" yet i've turned into that somewhat.
Thats why i've distanced myself from those friends. i'm sick of drama, of depressing conversations, of fighting, of bitching and moaning.. you only live once. supposedly.

I'm ready to be more of an Optimist. But I don't know when that will actually make things better.
I remember being Optimistic. For example the picture. The last time I remember truly being complete, whole, loved. And loved myself. Plus I had the guts to get up in front of the entire graduating class and SING. That's what music is to me. Its more important than most things i know. It's an art form and a freedom. From everything else in this world, It gives me an inner peace. Every single time I pick up my guitar, play the keyboard or sing, I feel almost complete.
almost.
Happy Birthday to me? hm.