Asking.

I am now an Unemployed 21 yr. old, looking for an education and a part time job.
My Colitis flared up, again.

At the worst possible time, while im trying to get everything together. I wish i was 100% healthy, but dont we all? I wish i could make it go away so i dont have to worry about it, so its not a burden on my life and so that I dont have to worry about flare-ups all of the time.

Although, I could be that person stuck in a hospital bed for the rest of my life, dieing of some kind of cancer, wishing their life away, with no possible way for their dreams to come true.

My list is growing longer and longer each day, with some things I shouldve accomplished a couple years ago, but didnt. I wish that depression didnt exhist, that sickness and death was impossible. To find that one person, who would give me space but at the same time love me unconditionally. If I were to enter a relationship in the next few years, im sure I would ruin it all. I dont want to be this way, but its me. I get so lonely, and all i can do is think about it. Running what happened through my head, again and again. But this was the way we were built, we are all flawed in some way.

Drugs, Alcohol, Suicide.
Ways out.
and now that I dont do those things, my thoughts drive me crazy. I want to be a level-headed person. With no worries, with their future set up, all from a wealthy family.
My family is not wealthy. Far from it..
Im doing this all by myself now. My money, My blood, tears, and sweat.
Work for a minimum wage job, and a horrible manager, and all they can really do is manage their smoke breaks. you'd want a way out, too, right? So i took it, on my Birthday. I passed my notice in, the day i turned 21.
Yesterday all that my manager could manage was a glance at me, at the end of the day, and a pitiful "bye."
No kind words, no good luck or we'll miss you.
bye.

I think way too much into things. Always wondering if im the only person who does it.
Afraid of my parents seeing me as a failure. I already know i feel like it. I feel that my brother sees me as a failure.
I dont get out enough, im a homebody lately, and its starting to take its toll.
I hate this, this me, whoever i am. Whatever I've become.
Obviously ive done something wrong...i can think of plenty of things ive done wrong. When i try to be as nice as possible, it comes back and kicks me in the ass. My father tells me that im silent too much. That he misses Sarah. It tears me apart inside. Mom eats alot now. And they both drink on any day off...to the point that i hate to be around.

Im tired. Too tired to want to go on. I need to be happy, but im not. Not one bit.
I dont know anyone as lonely as myself. But then again, nobody talks to me about the personal things,like they used to. My best friend barely talks to me.. I dont see any girls looking my way.
Whats the sense of all of this? my life feels like a living hell, and as hard as I try to see peoples lives that are worse than mine, i cant help but feel pitiful. Nobody wants to help, and I really think that this time, I need it. I do. Call me selfish, but I really cant think of any other way out of all of these problems. help is all I ask for. Is that too much to ask?